Farm to Family Connection - Commentary

FARM TO FAMILY COMMENTARY
---Select commentary from a weekly column by Curt Arens published in the Cedar County News, Hartington, NE

Feb. 2008

Rejected Olympic Events

Dear Friends,
Trudging through the snow the other day, I just realized that the Summer Olympics are coming up in September, from Beijing. Our family loves sports of all kinds, so watching the Olympic Games is often a kind of gripping experience for us, especially watching some of the more obscure sports involved.

I guess the International Olympic Committee fields all kinds of requests each year, to add new events to the already wide array of competitions. I was wondering about some of our farm activities, and if any of them would make the cut.

In the old days, most farmers were pretty good with a corn knife, walking corn and soybean fields, chopping cockleburs and velvetleaf. There were days, as a kid, that I can recall walking half-mile rows of soybean fields all day long, at a pretty good clip. I imagine that we often walked between five and six miles, covering a lot of acres in a day, with two or four rows of soybeans to watch along the way. That would be an interesting marathon for the Olympics. Of all the relays we watch, replace the baton with a corn knife, handed off safely "handle first" of course, to a new "bean walker," who then proceeds down rows of crops, chopping weeds as fast and accurately as possible. I’m guessing that this would be scored by speed and efficiency, as well as proper identification of weeds, death rate of weeds and how much damage was done to the soybean plants. It could get pretty technical.

Tractor driving would be a great Olympic sport, particularly backing a four-wheeled wagon of corn into a ten foot slot into a machine shed, with rain pouring down on a tractor without a cab. This could be transitioned into a winter sport, with snow falling instead. Speed is of utmost importance on this one, because we don’t want the grain to get wet, but I’m sure there would be penalty points if you happened to back into another tractor or implement parked in the shed. The possibilities would be endless.

Hog sorting might be a rather salty sporting event. It might have to air on television after 11 p.m. when the kids are in bed, because of the obvious, rather "adult" nature of the language often used during this process. Sorting could be a team event, with one person running the gate and another conducting the sorting process. The event could be scored again by speed, but also by the range of weight of the hogs actually sorted. Whenever we sort hogs at home, my wife is usually a better sorter than I am, because she can gauge the weight more accurately. But I’m much better at using colorful language than she is, although I’m not sure if that should be a scoring point.

Pitching hay bales would also be a great summer event, but it would have to be held in a hot, humid, breeze-less auditorium, without any ventilation at all. The competition could be varied for straw and alfalfa bales, with bales being piled high and straight. I can see the audience roar when someone goes for the world record, pitching bales from the floor of the truck or wagon, all the way up to a ninth row in the air. That would probably receive a standing ovation.

With winter dragging on, I can’t wait for the Summer Olympics to commence, but I’m sure none of these riveting rural events will be on the roster. Maybe in 2012 we will see a farmer with his pliers at side, on the podium, receiving his gold medal for something like cleaning manure from a hog barn or fixing fence? You never know.